I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.