Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

mom gave me mine for free

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

good work, everybody

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.