I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
