Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

as the prophecy foretold

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.