Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Not today. 😅

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1587313824612454401/pu/vid/720x1280/exnb-QbrKbBLXOrO.mp4?tag=12

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”