Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

My boss called in sick of me

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

me after eating Cheetos

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Home #decor warning.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids