Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

they really wanted me dead for this

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo