Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.