Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs