Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

absolutely not

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓