Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
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Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.