I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
how DARE
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.