I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run