My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
What kind of a cult is this?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO