I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers