I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
You Might Also Like
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.