Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

japanese corn

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move