Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

absolutely not

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

A classic…

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.