Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”