Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

The French word for sex is croissant.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

What’s the point buying it then?

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes