i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?