Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money