Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

“Sheer Arrogance”

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.