Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Where’s my employee discount too?

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

liiiiiiiiike

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

relationship goals

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.