I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.