@panmidwest

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

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@StephiHill

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@SnizzleFrizzle

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

*I’m not even high.

@TragicAllyHere

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

@girlposts

Trump: Can I get past
Biden: What’s the password
Trump: I don’t know
Biden: Losers says what
Trump: What
Obama: JOE

@_SingleBabyMama

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

@Caissie

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

@MartaEffing

[breakup talk]

H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

@StarWarsProblms

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.