Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.