I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
this has to be peak English
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.