I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
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Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on