Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.