I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
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Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Has there ever been a more American story?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.