I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.