Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?