Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Weirdos gonna weird.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.