I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
won’t smith
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?