I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
You Might Also Like
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.