I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?