I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
when someone rings the doorbell
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
my favorite gender
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here