I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
me after eating Cheetos
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?