I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.