I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My favorite farside!!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.