I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
The symmetry is uncanny.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”