Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.