I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
need him
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”