I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
who wore it better?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
what?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller