I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants