I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
You Might Also Like
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Breaking news:
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”