I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.