I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”