I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’