Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?