I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
What