Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did