I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
when you don’t want to be too vague
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor