Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Body by burrito

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*