I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
You Might Also Like
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“Huge”.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.