I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):