I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
You Might Also Like
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?