Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Very good news from my accountant

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day