I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
😂😂😂
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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you gotta be faster
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Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you