I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
His flabber was gasted 😂
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
very niche meme I made
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
selena gomez
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*