Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

🥴😂

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

PLOT TWIST:

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot: