Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

When you try jalapeños for the first time

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.