I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “