I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
i will not be silenced
Wait for it
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.