I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.