I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
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My patronus is a cheeseburger
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Liquor Store Parking
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
for all #parents out there
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.