I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills