Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Best mom ever 😂

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

😭😭

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”