Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

adam and eve had first world problems

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.