I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
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[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know