I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
this is uni
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.