I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Good morning y’all ☀️
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
