Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

WWE is French for “yes”

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.